My love hate relationship with creativity

So here I am, I’ve been working on this blogging malarkey for quite some time now - 4 months to be precise. I don’t know if that’s too long or not enough time but all I know is that I’ve spent alot of that time debating if I should do it or not. I’ve spent majority of my life being a creative person but it never seems to get me anywhere. I don’t know if I’m alone in this feeling of forever wanting to just be ‘normal’. Why can’t I want all the ‘normal’ things other people want? I have a beautiful home.. an amazing partner, financially I’m in the best place I’ve been and I’m doing majority of the things I want to do in life.. but why does something feel missing? It’s the creative demon inside of me that needs to be released!

I’ve locked that demon away and tried to leave it there and occasionally have a look inside and be curious about what could have been. We all know that anything that has a creative element to it, is risky, it’s sometimes down to luck, if you’ll make it or not.. or "it’s about who you know not what you know" or maybe it’s just down right shit. You can put in alllll the effort and time in the world and for what? It could all be for nothing. I can’t live my life like that but I also can’t live without the creative side of me being locked away. It’s the feeling of always being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I sometimes wish my brain wasn't so functioned to be creative. I was never good at the subjects in school that required revision and facts. Maths and Science were always my least favourite. The constant adding, subtracting, dividing and being in charge of how many apples Bella can give to Frederick.

Now, I'm not talking about the boredom almost every child felt at school, because I know the majority of us found everything boring at school. I'm talking about motivation, I always knew I was never going to want a job that requires facts and digits. Facts bore me, restrictions irritate me. I like freedom, I love expressiveness.

Art, English, drama? Now we're talking. The way I used to feel in those lessons were the complete opposite of what I felt in Maths and Science. Even the teachers would make me feel a certain way. I felt accepted, seen and smart in these lessons. I was able to express how I felt and how I viewed things physically instead of verbally. I was quite a shy kid at school and would never want to raise my hand to speak in class, even if I knew exactly what the answer was or what I wanted to say. However, in these lessons it felt okay if I didn't want to raise my hand because it was my creativity that mattered, my expressive work that was seen and praised. In Maths and Science, it was the opposite. Teachers seemed to think it was the smartest kid that would always have their hand up and the dumbest would stay quiet. Ergo, me being 'dumb'.

I may be alone in this and things might be different now but I do think how teachers treat you plays a huge part in our decisions and self confidence. I say this from experience when in my last week at school, I had made the decision to go to college and study acting, the head teacher said to me "I think you should stay here and do Graphic Design, you don't want to put all your eggs in one basket". It's something I will never forget for many reasons. These are my top five things I wish I'd have said or would say to him now:

1. I am 16 years old deciding my future, I already have enough pressure to make the right decision without your doubts.

2. I'm not bothered about Graphic Design. (If he'd have said Art I would have understood more)

3. Drama is my strongest subject Patrick.

4. You sound like you're not being very supportive as a head teacher.

5. You're already trying to dim my hopes and dreams before I've even started.

Now, before all you Karens and Karls come for me, I completely understand teachers are there to support and guide you. Ironically, I had all this support from all teachers that were based on creativity. My English teacher, my Art teacher and of course my Drama teacher. Those were the ones wishing me luck and saying go for it. Maybe it's why I've always thought creative people are more open minded. I've found that the majority of my friends and people I generally get along the most with are creative people. They're not about facts and figures and rules and restrictions. I've always felt the most accepted and myself around creative people. It doesn't feel like there is this huge amount of pressure to come across, or be 'clever'.

What does being clever even mean though? Ironically, maybe that is a dumb question but I am sick of seeing artists not being in the 'smart' category. Actors, singers, painters, writers.. all looked down on as not being a 'proper career'.

You people that think this do realise you watch TV shows and films, right? You know, those things where someone has written it, someone is acting in it, someone has produced a song for a singer to sing a soundtrack for it. Oh, and an artist may have even created a poster for it. But sure, not proper jobs are they.

ANYWAY.

I know there are different levels of smart and different forms of it. As a society does everyone believe that? Or do parents still think their child is stupid if they're not top of the class in Maths? Do people feel proud that their teenager wants to study Art instead of law?

I completely understand that creative jobs aren't always as stable or reliable. It's part of the reason why I have such a love hate relationship with having a creative mind. I wish I could be like most people and be able to live happily with a 9-5 job or work in accountants or something. I can't. I currently have a full time job working as a bar team leader and could work my way up to a manager if I wanted to in all honesty, but thats not the life for me.

Having a creative mind can be so frustrating because I could choose the easy option and stay working in a pub which is easy money, work up the ladder and get even more easy money. I could do both, yes. Then I run the risk of being like everybody else, work a full time job, have a family, provide for our family and not live up to my true creative potential. I don't know if you can tell this about me just yet, but I dont ever want to be nor am I ever going to be like everybody else. No thanks hun.

So here I am. Age 28. Starting a blog, because so far, it's been the most exciting project I have worked on. I genuinely believe this could become a full time career for me. I am manifesting it. I have jumped through so many hoops and fell over many hurdles in my creative journey so far. From acting, to sketching, back to acting, to writing, to now blogging. I've learned something new each time and am carrying the knowledge into each new adventure I delve into. I have so much to say and so much to share, I could talk forever about what it means to be seen as a clever person. It's taken a long time to acknowledge and know myself that I am so fucking smart. Being the best at Maths is so clever. Being the best at Science is very intelligent. Being the best at being expressive, free and creative? It's fucking genius.

All in favour, say hi!